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View Comments to “WHEN SOMEONE CHEATS ON YOU”

I used to say that if my spouse ever cheated she’d be gone. But honestly, after 19 years of marriage, I can understand why a person would not walk away even after such an egregious transgression. Like you say Mike, it’s all theory until you have to find out. Let’s hope I never do.

 Posted by: Bruce Nuffer // January 27th, 2010 at 6:20 am>

Definately stay! Scrioturely, God shows us that forgiveness is always possible through the cross. It’s never easy and not always desireable. But through Christ and what he did for us, we should stay!

Grace, grace, Gods grace. Grace that will pardon and cleanse within. Grace, grace, Gods grace. Grace that is greater than all our sin!!!!!

 Posted by: Caleb Jones // January 27th, 2010 at 6:24 am>

Well, I’m speaking from experience when I say I’d say with an unfaithful spouse. I often told her that if she had an affair that I’d throw her on her butt but when the time came to do that I forgave her for what she’d done. Now, that was the time she admitted it and I think her admitting it that time in a sense made it easier to forgive.

Now, if I was dating it might be a different story. If she came to me and admitted it and it was a one time thing I might be willing to take her back. However, dating is a time where you are finding out if you’re compatible and you have the opportunity to discontinue the relationship should patterns emerge that are not in line with God’s teachings for us. If someone is unfaithful multiple times or act in some other manner that is sinful and they are unrepentant then I don’t think you should go as far as to marry that person.

As with everything, seek wisdom and counsel from wise people (not necessarily a Pastor but it wouldn’t hurt.)

(BTW Mike…do you have any POTSC stickers with you in Nashville? Mine never came in the mail and if you do I’ll find a way to come to your talk tonight to get one if you would be kind enough to let me have one.)

 Posted by: Jason // January 27th, 2010 at 6:35 am>

@bruce and caleb i hope that if im ever faced with this grace would flow. its such a great opportunity to really test our beliefs about second chances.

@jason i have some stickers on me. stop by and i will hook you up.

 Posted by: Mike Foster // January 27th, 2010 at 6:43 am>

I would try to make it work. Especially since we have kids. I can’t imagine how hard that would be…

 Posted by: Vin Thomas // January 27th, 2010 at 6:55 am>

This hits way to close to home since it happened to me. I choose to stay but it has been the hardest thing I have ever done. Radical grace takes a lot of work and requires a lot of faith.

 Posted by: Anon // January 27th, 2010 at 7:27 am>

A wise mentor once told me to ask God to teach me the difference between weakness and evil. Usually this type of thing is due to human weakness – the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. I would stay, and rely on God to heal the relationship.

 Posted by: Colleen Foshee // January 27th, 2010 at 8:05 am>

I cheated.

I was forgiven.

And I am eternally grateful.

Because in that moment when the contents of all the things I had shoved into a secret closet came pouring out, I was alone. Rock bottom. Stripped bare. I was completely exposed.

I had been living a lie both spiritually (with God) and relationally (with my wife). That day, as I drove around trying to stop my world from the chaotic spin I was in, I found myself at the office of my church.

And my pastor spoke with me. And my wife was with me. And I wept louder than I have ever wept in my life. I admitted I was a failure to both my wife and my God.

And they both forgave me.

And here we are, 1 year and 4 months after that day and I feel like me and my wife are closer than we have ever been.

Do I have a long way to go as far as healing the pain and the trust I have lost? You bet.

Am I learning to be a child of God instead of just living a “Christian” (lie)fe? Absolutely.

But I am here in the place I am right now because of love and forgiveness.

It scares me to think of what would have happened if I had not sought forgiveness from God and my wife in that moment. What life would look like for me now.

I am not saying everyone changes when given a second chance. But I am saying I changed and had my life saved because of a second chance.

 Posted by: Steven // January 27th, 2010 at 8:17 am>

Speaking from experience, it is brutally hard to walk through. I had always said I would walk away, but found God’s grace to be more than enough. I was able to forgive and our marriage was restored.

Thirteen years after the fact, I don’t regret the decision and marvel at how God has made our marriage so much better than before.

Don’t know if I could do it again, but know God gives us grace when we need it.

 Posted by: Michael // January 27th, 2010 at 8:48 am>

Mike, I struggle with your question because it is not that simple. Relationships are hard, messy, complex….Sin is hard, messy, complex. If someone chooses to stray, whether from a relationship with God or others, it is not the first decision that has been made, but one of the last. Cheating will only happen if there are decisions that have already been made deep in your heart.

Do you believe your marriage is worth preserving at all cost? Will you stand by your spouse til death do us part? Do you believe that relationships are expendable and there is a back door out of the relationship if things get difficult? Are there unforgivable sins? Have you and your spouse made commitments to keep the marriage bed pure and have you worked hard since the day you met to protect that? Are you willing to love the other person enough to go through the worst of things to make the relationship work? Will you love them even if they don’t love you back, even if they are not walking with God?

I have never had the gift of being married. Some would say I am picky, I would say I am firm….firm that marriage means everything and the commitment is for life. Firm that I will stand with that person no matter what and I expect them to stand with me also. Firm that there is no choice but to have Christ in the center, and as Caleb said above … with Christ reconciliation, forgiveness and resolve is always possible.

(Steven – Praise God! What courage, humility, and surrender! I am so encouraged that your spouse and pastor forgave and stood by you and that you have chosen to repent. As one of God’s children I rejoice with you.)

 Posted by: Sherie // January 27th, 2010 at 9:00 am>

I stayed and she stayed.

I cheated by an addiction to pornography for years. She confronted me and I wouldn’t own up to it. I stopped but the damage was done.

She had an affair but confessed when I confronted her.

We are a little over a year into the healing and rebuilding of our marriage. Forgiveness was never an option. We love each other deeply, yet our sin nature got the best of both of us. To call this experience painful doesn’t even begin to describe how it feels, yet through it we are stronger and more in love than ever. Our marriage is more real than ever after 16 years of living an “image” we thought we had to keep.

I wish none of it had ever happened, but what was meant to destroy us God has used to renew and rebuild us.

 Posted by: Scott // January 27th, 2010 at 9:16 am>

@colleen thats a great thought and a good test

@anon thanks for sharing that. i know its a tough journey to healing and radical grace.

@steven i really appreciate you letting us into your story.

@michael so awesome. it gives us all hope.

@sherie i agree. though its sort of simple in nature cuz im really interested in just getting some thoughts and feedback. its certainly a dynamic issue with no easy answers.

@scott thanks Scott…looking forward to hearing more of your journey. wow!

 Posted by: Mike Foster // January 27th, 2010 at 1:02 pm>

Well, first of all I hope I never have to face this situation but if it were to happen I hope I would stay and work it out. I know it wouldn’t be easy by any means but 27 years is a long time investment to just throw away on a mistake, albeit a serious one.
I would think the chances for recovery would greatly depend upon the offender’s attitude and both party’s willingness to work on the relationship and FIX what was broken to begin with.

 Posted by: Cindy // January 27th, 2010 at 1:19 pm>

My husband did not stay. He says he has forgiven me, but that my sin almost killed him and he doesn’t want to put himself in potential peril again by being with me. He says he can never trust me, again, but if you can, stay.

Stay. Not denying your hurt, but not giving it the power over grace and mercy..

Stay and speak into the lives of those around you with more clarity than any words you’ve even spoken to them.

Stay and show your children that grace and mercy aren’t lofty, ethereal biblical terms, but that they are real actions to be taken on this earth to change lives.

Please, stay.

 Posted by: Jen // January 27th, 2010 at 1:58 pm>

Wow Jen. I am so, so sorry.

Your post breaks my heart. I think because I know it very well could have been me.

Praying for you and your situation.

 Posted by: Steven // January 27th, 2010 at 9:02 pm>

Once a cheater always a cheater —– once an egg always an egg

 Posted by: sheri // January 27th, 2010 at 10:03 pm>

@Steven: As Tozer has said, “To be forgiven sin must be forsaken.” People want to talk about God’s grace, and to forgive the other person of their sin, forgetting that the other person must turn their back on their sin, sincerely repent, and resolve not to do it again. I’m sure it was the hardest thing in the world for you to do, but it was necessary, and I know that you are a far better man for it!

 Posted by: Ed // January 28th, 2010 at 2:51 am>

@Jen: If your husband can’t stay, how can he say that he has truly forgiven you? If you have forsaken that sin, then he is in error for not truly forgiving you… I pray that he realizes his mistake…

 Posted by: Ed // January 28th, 2010 at 2:53 am>

I think God’s ideal is BIG transcendant forgiveness, so ultimately, the restoration of that marriage.

Practically speaking, I’ve seen people accomplish restoration after a spouse cheated. Its beautiful.

I’ve also seen failed attempts where the cheater never abandons the behavior and it causes years of cyclical pain for families and children.

Even in that last case, whether living arrangements can stay the same or not, I believe God wants to free our hearts and see us experience forgiveness.

 Posted by: Sarah // January 28th, 2010 at 5:23 am>

My wife wouldn’t cheat. She loves God more than any man on this Earth and more than herself.

 Posted by: Michael D // January 28th, 2010 at 5:24 am>

Thank you @Ed & @Steven thank you for your prayers and words of encouragement to me (and others).

While words like @Sheri’s swirl in my head, each morning I open the curtains of shame and try to let the love and forgiveness of the Lord wash over me, giving me strength to move forward one more day, alone.

Twenty years of being a wife. Why won’t my legs work; why can’t I stand on my own two feet? My ex says he’s opened the prison door by forgiving me and it is up to me to walk out and move on. Merciful Lord, show me how and be glorified.

 Posted by: Jen // January 28th, 2010 at 7:02 am>

jen…standing with you and praying for you and your family. m.

 Posted by: Mike Foster // January 28th, 2010 at 7:39 am>

The only way to cheatproof YOURSELF in marriage: Love God in your thoughts, words, and deeds more than any other person on Earth including yourself.

If you don’t see these qualities in your spouse, work to cultivate and encourage their walk. Amping up the romance/sex is just a bandaid- the root cause of cheating is selfishness and self-centeredness.

 Posted by: Michael D // January 28th, 2010 at 8:01 am>

@Michael D – Thank you for reiterating a message I have learned and try to teach others. Our lives of purity and pursuing holiness will not be found in signing an abstinence contract, or in being bound by a marriage license. It is found in what we set our hearts on, it comes by loving God more than ourselves, our spouses, or anything. This is a daily, moment by moment journey. Time to go check in with my heart and to cultivate that love for God.

 Posted by: Sherie // January 28th, 2010 at 10:42 am>

@steven Thank you so much for sharing your story. Mine is basically the same. I cheated and she stayed with me. Awesome, isn’t it? Experiencing real grace and forgiveness. I don’t know what I would have done if she had left me.

She asks me that from time to time: if she had tried to leave would I have chased after her? Hard question to answer. Would I have pursued her relentlessly? I hope the answer to that question is yes, and I hope that I never have to test it.

Our relationship now is unbelievably sweet.

 Posted by: Alan (@jalanb2009) // January 28th, 2010 at 12:40 pm>

As a therapist it is my experience that the vast majority of couples survive an affair. Trust is destroyed but can be rebuilt.

Healing is easier when both take some measure of responsibility for what they have done (or not done) to weaken the marriage.

 Posted by: Russell Holloway // January 28th, 2010 at 6:17 pm>

@Jen I know for a fact that sheri is dead wrong. I am proof. And Alan, too. And there are countless others that have sought forgiveness in the Lord and received it.

We have ALL sinned. Just remember the story in the Bible. Where Jesus helps the adulteress up and tells her to go and sin no more. HE forgave. HE forgives. Imagine if he had looked at her and said, “sorry. Once a cheater always a cheater. I can’t help you.”

What if he had said that about any of his disciples. People he picked. People closest to him. ALL had many skeletons in their closets before following Jesus.

Look forward. Not back.

 Posted by: Steven // January 28th, 2010 at 6:20 pm>

I think it would all depend on the circumstances … (simplifying it all down a bit) i think that if it happened to me and she was sorry and wanted help and forgiveness then i would definately take her back (even in a dating frame of mind

 Posted by: Joshua Verity // January 29th, 2010 at 7:50 am>

My wife’s sister is going through this now and it’s a sad situation. On the bright side, that’s a well drawn picture that pretty much says it all

 Posted by: Camnio // January 29th, 2010 at 8:27 am>

Well, this seems like the best place to introduce myself..

I married a sex addict (many, many affairs in the first three years of our marriage).

I had NO idea. I found out. He repented and sought help…then he fell..again and again and again.

God told me I could leave, but that He had something awesome for me if I would stay.

I had always believed in redemption, that I was a forgiven sinner with the power to forgive and set free. But I’ve truly had that theory tested in my life.

I stayed.

God transformed my husband. God transformed me.

We ARE the redeemed in Christ.

 Posted by: sarah valente (kingdom mama) // January 29th, 2010 at 8:01 pm>

WOW sarah! thats incredible!! thanks so much for sharing…your story just made my day!

 Posted by: Mike Foster // January 30th, 2010 at 9:17 am>

I am so thankful for all the comments and insights. There are few things more hurtful than to not be forgiven by someone. One thing I do know from my own experience is that unfaithfulness is usually a silent cry for help, about something in one’s life. It is rarely just about the sex. Oh that Jesus would be the lover of our soul, so that we wouldn’t look for some human to be what they can’t be in the first place..

 Posted by: Cristie // January 31st, 2010 at 9:12 pm>

@Mike: I’m blessed to have your prayers.

@Steven: Thank you for your words of encouragement. I wish you knew how meaningful and helpful it is to me to hear/see them. I breathe in the truth of them like life giving oxygen. Thank you.

 Posted by: Jen // January 31st, 2010 at 11:21 pm>

i'm surprised no one has commented on this. but again, it is just hypothetical until it actually happens — and no one thinks it will happen to them.

i would love to say that i would take them back. the book of hosea is so clear that that is God's response to our unfaithfulness. but i have seen the hurt and broken trust of unfaithfulness. the long time of counseling, reshaping of thoughts, and working out the relationship. it would be the long hard path. not the easy one.

love the pic, btw. what ever happened to carmen sandiego? haha…

 Posted by: Jenni // February 4th, 2010 at 11:51 am>

I'm so bummed that the comments have disappeared from this post! I was actually going to refer to one in a post tonight:(

 Posted by: KingdomMama // February 7th, 2010 at 10:12 pm>

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