SILENCE IS NOT GOLDEN…SPEAK UP!
Posted by Mike Foster:
When a friend hits bottom, our silence is NOT golden.
Quiet support from the sidelines is not helpful when the critics and haters are yelling at the top of their lungs.
When people are hurting, our silence only communicates distance between us and them.
We can quietly pray. We can think about the person’s pain. We can feel deep sadness for them. These are nice things, but not good enough.
My advice: Go on the record with those who are hurting. Call them. Visit them. Text them. Tweet them. 140 characters of support is better than a book of silence.
When your world is falling apart you can feel sooooooooooooo alone. Trust me I know. And too often the only voice we hear is the critic living in our head.
So be a real friend. Have some courage and say the words. Write the letter. Pick up the phone for 5 minutes. Don’t be silent.
Someone needs you right now to remind them that they are loved…and that it is going to be ok.
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You can say that again!
Amen.
True – very true. Thanks for the reminder.
“…and let us encourage one another, all the more…”
Absolutely. I know so many people that wouldn't give an encouraging word to someone under attack because they “don't want to get involved.” How sad is that?
So true! “Tweet them. 140 characters of support is better than a book of silence.” <<-loved this
I think more people sit silent simply because they either:
1. Are too intimidated by the situation and fear not knowing what to say.
2. Don't want to get dirty.
A true friend has the courage and love to push past both.
[...] [...]
Part of being people of grace is how we respond to others who are not there for us when we needed them to be. There are times that people will do the best they can but still will fail us. They won't have the faith to believe God can overcome, the courage to get messy with us, or the stamina to walk with us through our journey, but we can still love them in return and offer them mercy and grace. We need each other, but we have to be careful to not have an attitude of entitlement expecting others to share life with us.
the “dont want to get involved” line is one we use way to often. im guilty myself.
great points angus!
so true sherie. grace for even those who are silent. thanks for sharing that.
POTSC, please speak up about this:
http://resistracism.wordpress.com/2010/02/18/th...
and follow-ups:
http://resistracism.wordpress.com/2010/02/22/tw...
http://resistracism.wordpress.com/2010/02/26/no...
i could not agree more.
when it came out that my husband was having an affair, it was pretty public since we're the founders of a ministry. it was shocking to me how many (and who) simply said nothing. i felt very unsupported by those who “should” have been there for me the most. then my husband decided to leave me (and the ministry) to pursue his other relationship… news of the divorce went public, and again… lots of shocking silence.
i get that people don't know what to say. i understand that it's an awkward situation. i realize that they have been hurt and wounded by my husband's choices as well. i get all that. but i'd rather hear those words from them than nothing at all.
silence speaks volumes. and it's not kind.
AMEN! this is exactly what Brian and I experienced after sharing to our sphere of influence that we were rebuilding our marriage after an affair.
SILENCE.
People don't know WHAT to say… and that's ok. But it's better if you just tell us, “Hey, we're thinking of you and praying for you… we just don't know what to say.”
Hey Mike, I agree, just wandering how this stacks up to Job and his friends?
what are your thoughts?
My wife and I still have people that knew us when our story broke who don't know how to respond to us or what to say to us. What continues to perpetuate the masks that so many wear is the fact that we aren't willing to step into the stories of others…especially when those stories get messy. The fact is, EVERY story is messy, and, if we are going to be effective in whatever ministry we are involved in, we must recognize this fact.
Pretending that life is all clean, neat, and tidy only alienates us from the hurting world we are called to make a difference in and perpetuates the lie that God only wants those who have it all together. We must start connecting at weaknesses and stop trying to impress with our strengths.
I have always been fascinated by Jesus' encounter with the leper in Mark 1:40-45. The leper breaks the law and Jewish custom by approaching Jesus with his condition. He says to Jesus, “If you will, you can make me clean.” Before Jesus says a word to the man and before He healed him, Jesus touched the man. I wonder how long it had been since this leper had experienced the physical touch of another human being? I'm convinced that Jesus put His hand smack-dab in the middle of an oozing sore. He was willing to get His hands dirty…to get messy.
And if we are going to be His hands and feet in this world, we must be willing to get messy too.
I like what you said about the only voice being the critic in our head. I guess when we go through hard things it really shows us who our true friends are. That has been my experience. Be a true friend. Love unconditionally.
Yep, I think you nailed it with regard to criticism, but I think it can be different with tragedy.
“Counter point boy” here wishes to point out the power of silence and presence at the same time in the wake of tragedy. Sometimes words are white noise, and silent presence is a rare gift that few are strong enough to give.
So good! I love the “Tweet them. 140 characters of support is better than a book of silence. ” line. With all the resources we have available now there just isn't any excuse to not speak words of hope, love and grace to others! Let me bring it home….I, me, Brenda has no excuse to not speak words of hope, love and grace!!
[...] [...]
thanks for sharing that traylor…i love that passage in Mark…
I wish I had done this with my only sister.
It is too late now. And I will live the rest of my life wishing I had said more, contacted her more, reached out to her more. Wishing that others had done more to reach out to her, too. But I know I should have done more.
I know in my heart I could have done more, said more to reach out to her. I only hope no one else has to live with this depth of pain and regret. Do whatever you have to do. Shout it from the rooftops if you have to. Do not let anyone suffer alone.
Say what's on your heart. Do everything you can to let someone know they are loved. Believe me, you do not want to have to live with a lifetime of “what ifs” knowing that maybe, just maybe, you could have helped to save a life. Do whatever it takes to let people know they are loved.
so true steve…great point…or should i say “counter point”
they should of just used 140 characters
janet im so sorry for the pain that you feel…i really appreciate you sharing from your heart and being so vulnerable with what youre dealing with…youre in my prayers.
thanks jenni for sharing that…and i just got to say im glad i know you…youre a perfect example of the heart of grace…
BWAHAHAHAA!!!
ooooh… i'm gonna quote you on that the next time Brian and I have a disagreement!
“SHUT IT, HONEY! I HAVE A HEART OF GRACE!!!”
what? no?
Gee, Mike, only 1 critic in your head??? There is a freaking committee in mine sometimes! The only person I want to hear is God. It's unfortunate when I drown Him out with all those nay-sayers in my head. But, I did, finally, open my ears & close my mouth. About a week into recovery & treatment. I finally uncrossed my arms. Let the newness flow over me for the first time in many years. I am coming up on 1000 days clean & I am amazed at what God has & is doing in my life.
Silence can be golden when I am the one listening to the person in pain. Sometimes that's all that person needs. My silence, my ears, and a shoulder (or full-on hug). And God. I cannot “fix” or change that person for them. But, I can pray with them. I can support them. I can encourage them. So many walked the path ahead of me & paved a way so the hurdles aren't so high. Other people sacrificed for me. The greatest of all was Jesus.
Most welcome, Mike. BTW…Tony Hale says hello.
Very well said! Love it!
Steve,
Good words, makes me think of “…mourn with those who mourn, rejoice with those who rejoice…”
(don't mean to be a 'bible thumper', God is just putting these things in my head
theres a time for silence, but there is definitely a time for words. and this post speaks to that so very well said. ive been on both ends and have had to learn this the hard way.
its funny…the thing ive found is im less afraid of how my words might effect the other, and more concerned of how i might look if they have the wrong effect. silly.
i speak more when i can get past myself. hard truth. #realme
[...] Yesterday, Mike Foster, wrote a post on the People of the Second Chance website titled SILENCE IS NOT GOLDEN… SPEAK UP! [...]
The leaders of the church we attended had told everyone not to speak to us. Granted, it was a legal issue, but not even a word of prayer. One old minister defied the church's stand and spoke to us, letting the leaders know of their wrong course. However, when my kids pastor's didn't speak to them, pastors who had been vital to their spiritual development up to that time, well…it spoke volumes to them of judgment and lack of love from the church. One son is still reeling from the effects of the lack of communication, not feeling he can trust any youth leadership again.
Now, on the other side of the “drama” I have pulled so far away from the church and “believers”. I've found the church is not a safe place. It's much easier, and feels much safer, to do it away from the “church”. With God's support and others who are willing to accept their flaws (Celebrate Recovery has been good). I'm not sure where His people have gone.
Absolutely. Too many times, the only people who speak up are the “me, too” sort of joiners who have an agenda to fill by joining the haters and condemners and slammers. Andrew Carnegie was a big proponent of the “praise in public, criticize in private” mentality, but almost no one does that anymore – it seems as if the only way that people are heard nowadays is if they're screaming hate-filled invectives at someone else.
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