Jun 25

amends

Posted by Mike Foster:

Making amends can be very critical to rebuilding after a failure.

But honestly, I’m often baffled by what righting a wrong looks like to some people.

Here are a few unproductive types I’ve seen:

1. REVENGE AMENDS
Sometimes amends will come in the form of unreasonably harsh conditions put on the failed person. This is where amends looks more like cruel payback for someone hurting you. You make them suffer and take great pleasure in them groveling, struggling, and making them miserable.

2. F-YOU AMENDS
Of course we have amends where the perpetrator tells the victim to just get over it! An example would be Bernie Madoff being quoted as saying, “F–k my victims! I carried them for 20 years, and now I’m doing 150 years.” This is when pure narcissism and sociopathic personalities kick in. Unfortunately, I’ve seen this way too often.

3. WUSS OUT AMENDS
This is where we apologize and make amends to people who were not directly hurt by our actions. We avoid the real victims we have injured and only say sorry to secondary people who we feel comfortable engaging with. An example would be saying sorry on your blog or in a public statement but never directly (and in person) to the actual people involved. A face to face apology is a powerful thing and is often overlooked in our digital age.

4. CRAZY SEX AMENDS
Sorry but I had to throw this one in. Last week 24 year old Anri Suzuki from Tokyo told Chinese media that she wanted to make amends for the Sino-Japanese War. The war resulted in the deaths of 23 million Chinese people, including 18 million civilians. She said, “I want to cure the wounds of China with my body, and I offer to do this by having sex with Chinese students in Japan. I think it would be a symbolic compensation for them.” Enough said.

5. THE POSSE AMENDS
This is where we send someone else in to clean up our mess and fix the problems we have made. Let’s face it! It’s always easier to let someone else deal with it but it’s not very productive. Often we let our posse, staff, assistant, lawyer or PR people handle it because we are too busy, too important, or simply don’t give a crap.

6. BUREAUCRATIC AMENDS
This is where some organization dictates some stupid process that does more damage than good. They create some plan that is confusing and is poorly managed. Often this involves boilerplate language put together by lawyers and rarely accomplishes anything positive.

Any other types of amends that you have seen? Good or bad?



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  • http://www.mohan37.com/ mohan37

    Dang, good list. Crazy sex amends is a new one – you might want to trademark that.

  • Dannyjbixby

    Your number 4 point may be a type of amend, but the story you're quoting is fictitious: http://www.nipponcinema.com/blog/anri-suzuki-is…

  • http://twitter.com/MikeFoster mike foster

    thanks…thats too funny..i think my point is sometimes we try to make amends for things we didnt do :)

  • http://twitter.com/MikeFoster mike foster

    i think i will just trademark the word amends or sex…i think i can make more money that way :)

  • David

    Amends should only be made once the person has changed the behavior and is free from it. I think people have heard “I'm sorry” enough times that the words lose all meaning and actually do harm. To amend is to change. If there has been no change on the deepest level of character and soul, what business does the person have making an amends??? It's a purely self-serving exercise at that point. This is why 12 step programs have members wait until step 9 to make formal amends. A sufficient change of character must take place first. When this has occurred and motivations are correct, rarely will inappropriate amends seem all that appropriate.

  • Psean

    What about the “Forced Amends” when the perp wants to make amends and the victim is unreceptive/unwilling….what do we do then?

  • http://twitter.com/MikeFoster mike foster

    great addition to the list! so true!

  • http://twitter.com/MikeFoster mike foster

    so true David…and isnt it amazing how much can be learned from the 12 step process…

  • angusnelson

    How about the “I'm sorry, but” amends? This is where the perpetrator says “I'm sorry” in a less than sincere tone and then states, “but” followed by a blame to another person, situation, or group.

    For example:
    “I'm sorry I yelled at you, but work is really difficult right now…”
    “I'm sorry I drove my car into your house, but that other truck was driving too slow…”
    “I'm sorry I used Brazilian jujitsu on your a$$, but you were really pushing buttons.”

  • Jan

    My favorite celebrity amends are these: “I'm sorry if what I did offended you or hurt you.” Read: I'm really sorry you're an idiot who doesn't understand how important I am and how stupid this process is….

  • joni ruhs

    So are crazy sex amends like “make up sex” after two people have an argument? I'm reminded of a George Costanza and Jerry Seinfeld conversation.

  • http://twitter.com/MikeFoster mike foster

    yep…i feel like i could spend a month on just how to communicate an apology…what to do and what NOT to do :)

  • http://twitter.com/MikeFoster mike foster

    agree! one of the things i believe is that we have to avoid excuses or being victims…we have to own the fact that we hurt someone…

  • http://twitter.com/MikeFoster mike foster

    agree! one of the things i believe is that we have to avoid excuses or being victims…we have to own the fact that we hurt someone…

  • http://briandblog.wordpress.com/2010/06/30/linkathon-630/ Linkathon 6/30 « BrianD blog

    [...] Mike Foster: Crazy ways to make amends. [...]

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