KEYS TO EFFECTIVE FIGHTING (PART 1) | People of the Second Chance

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Posted by Mike Foster:

Last week I was the Emotionally Healthy Spirituality Conference in NYC.

The conference is hosted by the amazing Pete and Geri Scazzero.

Pete and Geri are a dynamic couple who have cracked the code on emotional and spiritual health. Their content, tools and insights are transforming lives internationally.

So I thought I would share a few things from the conference.

One item that was on the agenda was the topic of “CLEAN FIGHTING.”

A “clean fight” is a negotiation between two people for the sake of the relationship. The person asking for the clean fight recognizes that it is their issue verses projecting blame on someone else.

“Dirty fighting” tactics consist of anger, avoidance, silent treatment, escalation, complaining, sarcasm, put downs, passive aggressive behavior or using “always” or “never.” This is how we typically fight with each other.

So here is the EHS way of clean fighting for the “speaker.” Tomorrow I will share the steps for the “listener.”

STEP 1. Ask permission to do a clean fight with the person.

STEP 2. State the problem. Start the sentence with “I notice…”

For example: “I notice…that we often start meetings late because you are not ready.”

STEP 3. State why it is important to you. Use the statement “I value…”

For example: “I value respecting other people’s time and promptness.”

STEP 4. Fill in the following sentence: “When you (blank), I feel (blank)” This sentence will help you describe your feelings and why this is YOUR problem, not their problem.

For example: “When you are late to meetings, I feel disrespected and stressed.”

STEP 5. State clearly, respectfully and specifically your request. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT!

For example: “I would like to ask you to be 10 minutes early to all Thursday morning staff meetings or call me 15 minutes ahead of time if you think you’re going to be late.”

Tomorrow I will share the next 4 steps for the listener and how to get resolution on this problem. To buy the EHS book click here.

So how do you typically fight? Clean or dirty? Any tips you can share?

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Anonymous

Sounds like a great conference. Wise advice. I can’t tell you how many times my husband and I get into a huff with each other over something we took the wrong way.

Blessings,
Mel
Please feel free to stop by: Trailing After God
http://twitter.com/MikeFoster Mike Foster

us too
http://twitter.com/AshleyASmith ash

I SO needed this post. It relates to everything and anyone we come in contact with… when we fight clean, we can share grace.
http://www.mohan37.com/ mohan37

Phew…this is good stuff. I work in a corporate environment, and there can be a lot of dirty fighting. I’m sure my wife and I could benefit from these ideas too looking forward to the rest!
http://www.mohan37.com/ mohan37

I do have a tip actually. Whether at work, home, church, wherever, I never go into the confrontation in the heat of the moment. It’s tempting, because that’s when you’re all fired up. But, at least for me, I end up being non-conconstructive.

I imagine having a clear head is important for implementing the ideas above too
http://kevinmartineau.blogspot.com Kevin M.

Hi Mike:

The principles of emotionally healthy spirituality radically changed my life! I have gone to the conference 3 times and I wish I could have been there again this year. It is such a practical conference. I learn something new every time I work through the material.

I glad to hear that you had the opportunity to attend!

Kevin
http://twitter.com/MikeFoster Mike Foster

thats awesome kevin! it is a great conference and the EHS stuff rocks!
http://twitter.com/MikeFoster Mike Foster

it has definitely helped me and my wife…we really got a ton of out of this…
http://www.robertglennsmith.com/archives/2185 Making Peace – A Sermon, a Site and a Playground | www.RobertGlennSmith.com

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http://jimdonaldellis.blogspot.com/ Jim

this is great stuff. looking forward to the next post.
http://www.potsc.com/life-tips/keys-to-effective-fighting-part-2/ KEYS TO EFFECTIVE FIGHTING (PART 2) | People of the Second Chance

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